bronchitis baby
To think we are truly coming to end of the year; to the end of the entire decade.
Time is a terrifying concept.
Since I have only updated my blog twice this year, I figured we were in for a final post to really welcome the year 2020! I am still gathering my thoughts and ideas on my resolutions, but perhaps I'll have a couple of those to share by the end of this shindig.
If you haven't noticed by now, (you so very few humans who actually might read this blog and pay attention to what I say in it), it is December of 2019 and I have yet to move home. In my previous update I mentioned that was my plan; but it was a placeholder plan. One you say, but not one you feel. One you try to tell yourself is true until it either becomes true, or you become so sick of the lie of it, it falls away. Well, the lie eventually fell away, and I had been open to staying in Florida for another year. HEck, I was down to stay in Florida for as long as it felt right! I finally asked myself, "Why are you giving yourself a deadline? Why do you keep trying to force yourself into your next path; your next step?" I am such a dreamer and planner that one of my biggest weaknesses is living in the moment. I am always trying to set a goal and work towards something, especially when it seems like I might be feeling even the slightest piece of contentment haha. When I had originally planned on staying in Florida last December, I told everyone that I didn't know for how long! It could be just for a few months! I honestly considered moving home in April at a time, and then July, and then December.. etc, etc. I have this odd reality where I have two lives and two homes right now. I love people all over the United States, but specifically condensed in Utah and Florida.
When I am in Florida, my friends and family in Utah ask me, "When are you coming home?" When I fly home to Utah, I have people in Florida asking me the exact same question. And both feel right to me. Both places have a part of my heart and are full of people I care about. And both are home to parts of me and pieces of my dreams. Each place not fully aware of every sliver of me. I am not fully realized in either place. But I have found parts of myself in both places. Isn't it interesting to belong to more than one thing at once?
It's always been a delicious notion to me that we are built up from so many different things. We are made up of so many parts of our past: what we were called by our parent's growing up, who our very first elementary school crush was, where we first learned how to jumprope, when we first felt at peace in our own skin. To remember so many different versions of us and how they existed just as prominently and importantly as the version of you exists now.
There are core memories that stick with us, throughout every season of ourselves. I think they're there to remind us who we have been, so that we don't forget to appreciate who we are becoming. Or if we don't like who we are becoming, to help us to remember who we could be again. That is why I love the New Year. I like the promise of a new addition to the Me I am. I like seeing what the last year added to how I see myself. I am grateful that 2019 made me a little more sure of myself, a little bit more confident in who I am. I hope I carry that confidence and glow into 2020 and never lose it.
Anyway, I digress. I was saying, I have two homes. And when I became so tired of battling with myself about when I "should" move home and when I "should" do this or that--I finally gave in and accepted that Florida might be where I am needed for a while. I actually accepted I could live in FLORIDA. This state may not be all that great, but man it has wedged itself into my heart. And so I told myself that is how it was. I told friends and roommates I'd be signing onto the lease for next year. I applied for a new job and scheduled an interview. Heck I even went on DATES and told myself to be open to anything. I told Heavenly Father, if this is where I was needed, then let's do this thing.
Of course, as soon as I showed my eagerness to stay, and actually took action with my choice, that's when I received revelation of what I truly needed to do.
While home in November for my beloved best friend's wedding, I finally received that peace I had been so desperately praying and searching for all year. I had been asking and asking and asking when was it going to be right for me to move back to Utah?? Was that not what He wanted? I didn't know what I wanted so I needed Him to tell me!! So often I am faced with two good choices and I just wish the Lord would tell me what the heck I was supposed to do. Choices ain't my thang. But I finally had made a choice, I was staying in Florida. Again. And so that's when the Lord knew I needed my answer. So while I was home, He placed that big feeling of comfort and relief into my chest and I knew. I knew it was time to move home. December would be too quick, seeing as it was November and I had already promised to sign onto my new lease for the new year. But something could be arranged.
A lot of bittersweet feelings are mixed up in all of this. I have friends who scoff and proclaim they could never do what I'm doing! They respect me and my decision, but they can't fathom moving back into their hometown. Let alone their childhood house with their parents. Having grown into a more independent adult myself, that was something I struggled with as well throughout the year as I had my internal debate about whether moving back to Utah was right for me. But I had finally got that blessed feeling of comfort from Heaven! That peace is what I am holding onto; for even the hardest things we can't wrap our earthly minds around are worth doing when we get that comfort from above. May we always choose the hardest right! Some of the best change comes from things we know are right, but are so hard to do. I am antsy and dizzy with excitement for the new year, the new decade, the new version of me I get to create! I am excited to move back home and to completely gut and redo my room to make it my space again! I am giddy to audition for a long list of musicals I have my eye on in my area next year! I don't have to give up my independence or any part of me this year has surfaced. I just get to join that version of me with an older one; and create something even better.
I am grateful for my friends who voice their concerns and their hearts to me. I am grateful I have such lovely people in my life to do that. I am grateful for those that are as excited for me to go as they are sad to be losing me. For I am equally parts sad to be leaving them. Oh to have something that makes goodbyes so hard! How blessed am I! All you lovely souls surrounding me!! How did I get so lucky?
And so, it is in March I will make my final march.. lol... back to Utah. February 21st is my "official" (because the college program doesn't count) year mark with Disney, and I plan on sticking around and getting that Year Pin! Having worked for the company closer to two years by that point, I think it is justified and well earned. And it will be a lovely thing to remember my time in the sunshine state. So, although my year of 2020 doesn't start directly on a new path; I won't already be moved back to Utah--I still feel like the year starting will start my new adventure. It will at least start the end of this adventure I am on, likewise bringing a fresh air into my daily life. I don't want to take one second for granted. I am grateful for every single chance I get to live this dream life I have, and I don't want to forget what this feels like. I live and breath khaki. With that, I mean: I work all the time, and my friends are all safari drivers, and I don't mind even a little bit. I love this niche group of friends I have, and I love the chaos of my life. I can't possibly give my 100% every single safari, (right now my bronchitis lungs won't allow it), but I am certainly going to try my hardest. And to really soak it all in. I get to say that I drove safaris for two years of my life. Like, how cool is that?? I love my house. I love my roommates. I love my job. I love my life. And I am going to miss every stupid thing about living here that I complained about. Because that's just how goodbyes work. You see things in a past life with a honey glow and amber light of nostalgia, no matter the true color of the memory. You see only that day's best qualities.
I am happy to know I will carry all these happy memories with me throughout my lifetime. I am happy to have sunshine to fill my stories with, and people I get to keep knowing and loving because our stories don't end here. I am so grateful each and every one of you are a part of my story.
BUT I CAN CALM THE HECK DOWN because it isn't time for goodbyes just yet. 67 days, give or take. I'm not counting down the days, but more or less being aware of the precious time I have left. I know how fast time can fly. I still can't believe it has been as long as it has since I was a missionary in Navuoo! Was I really only 19 at the time?? So much has changed since then. So much of me has. But that is still a very crucial part of who I am, just as I know these two years will be.
So here's to the next two months! May they be the best ones in Florida yet.
What's Bringing Me Joy Right Now:
-a giant pastel dino plushy
-crocheting a giant fluffy pastel pink blanket
-my airpods
-my echo
-late night chats with Desiree
-Christmas tree lights
-a new sister in law! I love having my brother married!!!
-long text conversations with new friends
-the book: P.S. I Still Love You
-hot chocolate, and lots of it
-bronchitis meds? I guess? are they helping honestly I can't tell
-Harry Style's new album, Fine Line
-The show: Call The Midwife
-ALSO two magnificent shows on Disney+ : High School Musical: The Musical: The Series and The Mandalorian
-my Christmas jammies
-my new planner
-amc stubs and the anticipation of seeing Little Women tomorrow
-a jar with 52 notes waiting for me in the new year
-having Elder Camp as my friend, and that he also lives in Florida
-JOSHUA BASSETT
-my BOM study guide, and being proud of myself for reading my scriptures 3 days in a row when I have been offtrack for so long
-a new glasses prescription
-big brown eyes and freckles
-cooler weather in Florida
-getting my season pass to Universal renewed so I can take trips to Hogwarts again
-my new illustrated editions of the Harry Potter novels
-Christmas candles
-Harry Styles in general
-craft store trips
-friends to cross stitch and crochet with (yes I am 80 years old)
Some Rough Draft New Years Resolutions:
1. Keep blogging. I told myself to do it every other Sunday once upon a time, but that seems a bit much for me now. I would like to blog once a month. That is my goal.
2. Read my scriptures daily. You guys out there that do this--tell me your secret! I love the gospel, but I have had a hard time making scripture study a part of my regular daily routine; so second nature I don't even think about it. I am going to do it this year. I am.
3. Write in my journal weekly! I want to do this daily, but that is an overwhelming thought to me right now. I will be kind with myself, and just ease myself into writing again. I just always have so many details I want to write down!! Life is good and I don't want to forget the best parts!
4. Volunteer at the Utah Hogle Zoo!
5. Get back up on stage!!!
6. Find a job I love, apply to school in the Fall if it feels right. Don't be scared of money.
7. Read all of the Harry Potters again because I MISS THEM
8. Buy my first real car!! My dream car, a cute little ice blue mini cooper is waiting for me out there. I have to say goodbye to Gladys my geo prizm here in Florida.. that's gonna be real hard. All of my memories ever since I started driving at 16 are in that car!! So much of my life has been interlinked with that car. Such a strange feeling to have to say goodbye soon.
That's all I got so far. Performing again and getting a job are kinda a no brainer for the new year, but it feels good to write them down nonetheless.
I am just very happy right now! Very content in what I am doing, and very anxious for what lies ahead! Don't get me wrong, I am very impatient and have sad boi hours, but man do I know I got it good! Thank you for all being a part of that.
Here are some happy memories in the last few months to look back on:
Time is a terrifying concept.
Since I have only updated my blog twice this year, I figured we were in for a final post to really welcome the year 2020! I am still gathering my thoughts and ideas on my resolutions, but perhaps I'll have a couple of those to share by the end of this shindig.
If you haven't noticed by now, (you so very few humans who actually might read this blog and pay attention to what I say in it), it is December of 2019 and I have yet to move home. In my previous update I mentioned that was my plan; but it was a placeholder plan. One you say, but not one you feel. One you try to tell yourself is true until it either becomes true, or you become so sick of the lie of it, it falls away. Well, the lie eventually fell away, and I had been open to staying in Florida for another year. HEck, I was down to stay in Florida for as long as it felt right! I finally asked myself, "Why are you giving yourself a deadline? Why do you keep trying to force yourself into your next path; your next step?" I am such a dreamer and planner that one of my biggest weaknesses is living in the moment. I am always trying to set a goal and work towards something, especially when it seems like I might be feeling even the slightest piece of contentment haha. When I had originally planned on staying in Florida last December, I told everyone that I didn't know for how long! It could be just for a few months! I honestly considered moving home in April at a time, and then July, and then December.. etc, etc. I have this odd reality where I have two lives and two homes right now. I love people all over the United States, but specifically condensed in Utah and Florida.
When I am in Florida, my friends and family in Utah ask me, "When are you coming home?" When I fly home to Utah, I have people in Florida asking me the exact same question. And both feel right to me. Both places have a part of my heart and are full of people I care about. And both are home to parts of me and pieces of my dreams. Each place not fully aware of every sliver of me. I am not fully realized in either place. But I have found parts of myself in both places. Isn't it interesting to belong to more than one thing at once?
It's always been a delicious notion to me that we are built up from so many different things. We are made up of so many parts of our past: what we were called by our parent's growing up, who our very first elementary school crush was, where we first learned how to jumprope, when we first felt at peace in our own skin. To remember so many different versions of us and how they existed just as prominently and importantly as the version of you exists now.
There are core memories that stick with us, throughout every season of ourselves. I think they're there to remind us who we have been, so that we don't forget to appreciate who we are becoming. Or if we don't like who we are becoming, to help us to remember who we could be again. That is why I love the New Year. I like the promise of a new addition to the Me I am. I like seeing what the last year added to how I see myself. I am grateful that 2019 made me a little more sure of myself, a little bit more confident in who I am. I hope I carry that confidence and glow into 2020 and never lose it.
Anyway, I digress. I was saying, I have two homes. And when I became so tired of battling with myself about when I "should" move home and when I "should" do this or that--I finally gave in and accepted that Florida might be where I am needed for a while. I actually accepted I could live in FLORIDA. This state may not be all that great, but man it has wedged itself into my heart. And so I told myself that is how it was. I told friends and roommates I'd be signing onto the lease for next year. I applied for a new job and scheduled an interview. Heck I even went on DATES and told myself to be open to anything. I told Heavenly Father, if this is where I was needed, then let's do this thing.
Of course, as soon as I showed my eagerness to stay, and actually took action with my choice, that's when I received revelation of what I truly needed to do.
While home in November for my beloved best friend's wedding, I finally received that peace I had been so desperately praying and searching for all year. I had been asking and asking and asking when was it going to be right for me to move back to Utah?? Was that not what He wanted? I didn't know what I wanted so I needed Him to tell me!! So often I am faced with two good choices and I just wish the Lord would tell me what the heck I was supposed to do. Choices ain't my thang. But I finally had made a choice, I was staying in Florida. Again. And so that's when the Lord knew I needed my answer. So while I was home, He placed that big feeling of comfort and relief into my chest and I knew. I knew it was time to move home. December would be too quick, seeing as it was November and I had already promised to sign onto my new lease for the new year. But something could be arranged.
A lot of bittersweet feelings are mixed up in all of this. I have friends who scoff and proclaim they could never do what I'm doing! They respect me and my decision, but they can't fathom moving back into their hometown. Let alone their childhood house with their parents. Having grown into a more independent adult myself, that was something I struggled with as well throughout the year as I had my internal debate about whether moving back to Utah was right for me. But I had finally got that blessed feeling of comfort from Heaven! That peace is what I am holding onto; for even the hardest things we can't wrap our earthly minds around are worth doing when we get that comfort from above. May we always choose the hardest right! Some of the best change comes from things we know are right, but are so hard to do. I am antsy and dizzy with excitement for the new year, the new decade, the new version of me I get to create! I am excited to move back home and to completely gut and redo my room to make it my space again! I am giddy to audition for a long list of musicals I have my eye on in my area next year! I don't have to give up my independence or any part of me this year has surfaced. I just get to join that version of me with an older one; and create something even better.
I am grateful for my friends who voice their concerns and their hearts to me. I am grateful I have such lovely people in my life to do that. I am grateful for those that are as excited for me to go as they are sad to be losing me. For I am equally parts sad to be leaving them. Oh to have something that makes goodbyes so hard! How blessed am I! All you lovely souls surrounding me!! How did I get so lucky?
And so, it is in March I will make my final march.. lol... back to Utah. February 21st is my "official" (because the college program doesn't count) year mark with Disney, and I plan on sticking around and getting that Year Pin! Having worked for the company closer to two years by that point, I think it is justified and well earned. And it will be a lovely thing to remember my time in the sunshine state. So, although my year of 2020 doesn't start directly on a new path; I won't already be moved back to Utah--I still feel like the year starting will start my new adventure. It will at least start the end of this adventure I am on, likewise bringing a fresh air into my daily life. I don't want to take one second for granted. I am grateful for every single chance I get to live this dream life I have, and I don't want to forget what this feels like. I live and breath khaki. With that, I mean: I work all the time, and my friends are all safari drivers, and I don't mind even a little bit. I love this niche group of friends I have, and I love the chaos of my life. I can't possibly give my 100% every single safari, (right now my bronchitis lungs won't allow it), but I am certainly going to try my hardest. And to really soak it all in. I get to say that I drove safaris for two years of my life. Like, how cool is that?? I love my house. I love my roommates. I love my job. I love my life. And I am going to miss every stupid thing about living here that I complained about. Because that's just how goodbyes work. You see things in a past life with a honey glow and amber light of nostalgia, no matter the true color of the memory. You see only that day's best qualities.
I am happy to know I will carry all these happy memories with me throughout my lifetime. I am happy to have sunshine to fill my stories with, and people I get to keep knowing and loving because our stories don't end here. I am so grateful each and every one of you are a part of my story.
BUT I CAN CALM THE HECK DOWN because it isn't time for goodbyes just yet. 67 days, give or take. I'm not counting down the days, but more or less being aware of the precious time I have left. I know how fast time can fly. I still can't believe it has been as long as it has since I was a missionary in Navuoo! Was I really only 19 at the time?? So much has changed since then. So much of me has. But that is still a very crucial part of who I am, just as I know these two years will be.
So here's to the next two months! May they be the best ones in Florida yet.
What's Bringing Me Joy Right Now:
-a giant pastel dino plushy
-crocheting a giant fluffy pastel pink blanket
-my airpods
-my echo
-late night chats with Desiree
-Christmas tree lights
-a new sister in law! I love having my brother married!!!
-long text conversations with new friends
-the book: P.S. I Still Love You
-hot chocolate, and lots of it
-bronchitis meds? I guess? are they helping honestly I can't tell
-Harry Style's new album, Fine Line
-The show: Call The Midwife
-ALSO two magnificent shows on Disney+ : High School Musical: The Musical: The Series and The Mandalorian
-my Christmas jammies
-my new planner
-amc stubs and the anticipation of seeing Little Women tomorrow
-a jar with 52 notes waiting for me in the new year
-having Elder Camp as my friend, and that he also lives in Florida
-JOSHUA BASSETT
-my BOM study guide, and being proud of myself for reading my scriptures 3 days in a row when I have been offtrack for so long
-a new glasses prescription
-big brown eyes and freckles
-cooler weather in Florida
-getting my season pass to Universal renewed so I can take trips to Hogwarts again
-my new illustrated editions of the Harry Potter novels
-Christmas candles
-Harry Styles in general
-craft store trips
-friends to cross stitch and crochet with (yes I am 80 years old)
Some Rough Draft New Years Resolutions:
1. Keep blogging. I told myself to do it every other Sunday once upon a time, but that seems a bit much for me now. I would like to blog once a month. That is my goal.
2. Read my scriptures daily. You guys out there that do this--tell me your secret! I love the gospel, but I have had a hard time making scripture study a part of my regular daily routine; so second nature I don't even think about it. I am going to do it this year. I am.
3. Write in my journal weekly! I want to do this daily, but that is an overwhelming thought to me right now. I will be kind with myself, and just ease myself into writing again. I just always have so many details I want to write down!! Life is good and I don't want to forget the best parts!
4. Volunteer at the Utah Hogle Zoo!
5. Get back up on stage!!!
6. Find a job I love, apply to school in the Fall if it feels right. Don't be scared of money.
7. Read all of the Harry Potters again because I MISS THEM
8. Buy my first real car!! My dream car, a cute little ice blue mini cooper is waiting for me out there. I have to say goodbye to Gladys my geo prizm here in Florida.. that's gonna be real hard. All of my memories ever since I started driving at 16 are in that car!! So much of my life has been interlinked with that car. Such a strange feeling to have to say goodbye soon.
That's all I got so far. Performing again and getting a job are kinda a no brainer for the new year, but it feels good to write them down nonetheless.
I am just very happy right now! Very content in what I am doing, and very anxious for what lies ahead! Don't get me wrong, I am very impatient and have sad boi hours, but man do I know I got it good! Thank you for all being a part of that.
Here are some happy memories in the last few months to look back on:
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