Resurfacing.

Hi there blog.
I didn't know if I would want to write today, and part of me still doesn't. But it is always so therapeutic so I am forcing myself to at least write a little bit.
Last week I didn't write much because I didn't have much to say. This week I have so much to say I don't know how to say it all. The thought of writing the contents of all of me is so daunting, but the urge to put the me in this moment in ink is a powerful urge. One I can't completely drown out today.

I've had a rough week. Now, before you get your panties in a wad too excited; it hasn't been rough in any traumatic sense. I have not been in the hospital or had a close family member die. Everyone is healthy. Everything is sound. But, I've had a rough week. And sometimes you don't want to talk about that. So I know people in my every day life might be confused at this, or ask, "Why didn't you say anything?" But even though I wear my heart on my sleeve, and if you look close enough you can tell how I'm feeling 25/7,  sometimes you don't want to shout your troubles to everyone around you. Sometimes you just want to sink in it for a while. Really feel. Really ask yourself why you feel this way. But that comes with a slippery slope of not being able to come back out. BUT NEVER FEAR, I am resurfacing and with that comes this:

Me wanting to write about it.

Okay, so why the rough week, Jen. It's simple. And complicated. It's me being worried and stressed. It's my insecurities and shortcomings taking prey on my vulnerability. It's Satan. It's me. I've had no motivation all week for the simplest of things. I almost cancelled on friends that I absolutely adore because the thought of going out just seemed too much. BUT Satan DID NOT conquer me there, I did go out, and I had a fabulous time. The highlights of my week were those moments of friendship and strength. The rest of my week has been off and on.

As many of you know, I am going to be moving to Florida in the near future. Working for Mickey Mouse and all that rot, rah rah rah. (jk i'm like so excited) Well with that comes a lot of things that I need to plan and prepare for. Probably things that should be a lot easier than I am making them. But I am an OCD planner and top notch worrier and awful perfectionist so NO not everything is easy haha. I've been thinking about how to get a car to Florida (don't worry, this one has been figured out, #blessed) and struggling to find roommates (I believe we finally have all 6 of us now, but man some crap happened). I've been worrying about my role because I auditioned for Character Performer (my dream) and didn't make it past the first round. I've been so stressed about money because I am an over-planner and perfectionist and everything has to be perfect. I've been concerned with wants versus needs, with comfort versus necessity, with joy versus neutrality. I've had so many ideas and plans, that the fact that everything isn't just easy and can fall into place is really exhausting and upsetting. Which, I mean, why should I think everything should fall into place? What's that one saying that "anything good doesn't come easy," or something vaguely similar?

I think it is because the whole Disney application and acceptance process was such a dream. Everything went so smoothly and I felt so prepared and so good about everything. It was a literal dream when I got accepted to the DCP. Because it all fell into place so easily, and because I felt so strongly this was the next step for me, it has been rather irksome that the little details aren't falling into place too. It took SO long for us to figure out how to get my car there. And now I seem to be losing money faster than you can say "supercalifragilisticexpealidocious" and I know that I still have to spend more if I am going to get the things I want for my program. Having never really lived away from home, I don't have a lot of common things. But those common things add up and add up. I'm sure I'm not the only person who hates seeing their hard earned savings be depleted in days. Why is it so easy to spend 200 dollars in one sitting (yeah, we don't even have to leave the house now) when as a kid 20 dollars was like you hit the jack pot?? It's simply not fair. And that's what I've been caught up in this week: It's not fair.
It's not fair that other people have more money than me.
It's not fair that other people have better paying jobs than me.
It's not fair that it seems like I've been stuck in a job that should be paying me more.
It's not fair that money rules the world.
And it's not fair that it seems to be ruling my happiness and my life currently.
I'm giving it more power than I should, but as I mentioned; I am a perfectionist. And I have a vision of how things should be. I am not a "go-with-the-flow person," and the longer I plan things and have to wait for everything to fall into place the more stressed out I become. Sometimes the more preparation I seem to do the more it backfires. And did I mention I'm a shopaholic? And a stress shopper for that matter? I'm a deadly catastrophic breed of human. And I'm trying to figure out how to counteract my own flawed moves. ugh

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I really let the fact that I didn't make it past the first round in my Character Performer audition eat me up. I had been preparing months for this specific date. And you could say, through all my performing, that I had been preparing for years for this opportunity. Disney is the dream. And to have prepared so long, felt so confident, looked so great in my new leggings bought just for the occasion, found the combination they taught us so EASY, gone though an entire escapade with not having my jazz shoes and not realizing until at 1:00 a.m. the night before the audition at 9:30 a.m.; I was so distraught when they tossed my performance seemingly aside when they didn't call my number for the second round. I was in denial and shock. I walked out of the room with the friend I had made in the past hour, strangely inside someone else's body who wasn't good enough and who had to pack up her stuff and go home when she had planned for this audition to take all day. When she had to suddenly rewrite her dream. I tried to talk out loud and say things like, "I'm still going to Disney World," and "I was super excited for Attractions anyway." And those statements are true. And I do believe them. But those truths didn't outweigh the other truth that was so loudly marching around my skull; "You will not be a Character Performer, they didn't want you, you weren't good enough." And by the end of the day my skull had cracked and the contents were coming out in streams down my face and out of my mouth in words of inadequacy and heartbreak.

An overreaction? Perhaps. But I don't think anyone should be told they overreacted to a moment that defines a piece of their future, no matter how big or how small. This is a dream of mine. So it hurt when (for the time being) it was taken away in a matter of seconds. That my fate rested on the opinion of someone else. Or just the simple fact that they weren't looking for characters I would be well suited for. But, this moment may define me right now as: not a Character Performer. In the same breath this moment can help define me right now as: someone who is not a Character Performer right now, but who only has more motivation and knows she has the talent and drive to see this dream realized and she is not giving up. I am not giving up. I believe I can do so much good at Disney, and I believe that I can achieve the impossible and redefine my reality. I am the Disney aesthetic! I've had to remind myself this week multiple times, too many times to count, that the Lord has a plan for me. For me personally! And this is just part of my plan. My dream is just going to take a little longer, and that's okay. For whatever reason, that has nothing to do with my capabilities, or His faith in me, being a Character Performer is not part of my plan right now. I am going to Disney World, and that is COMPLETELY right, but for now I am not going to be doing my dream role. BUT I AM going to be in the role of Attractions, and I do admit to being sad at the thought I wouldn't have had this opportunity if I had made it as a Character Performer straight off the bat. So guess what? I get to have an experience as an Attractions Cast Member that not everyone gets to do! I get to have this amazing opportunity that I am over the moon excited for, and I can do it with the knowledge that this is exactly where the Lord needs and wants me to be. I showed Him I was willing to do other things: I talked to Him about auditioning to be a YPM again, I auditioned for Nauvoo Pageant, and I auditioned to be a Character Performer. But here I am. And after all of that I am going to be an Attractions Cast Member in Florida for 8 months of my life, and goodness gracious I AM SO EXCITED. Though I admit, the most exciting part is knowing I am exactly where the Lord wants me. Isn't it so exciting when you feel so strongly you are on the path He designed specifically for you?

So yeah. I've been struggling this week with confidence, and I've been struggling with ideas of money and wondering how on earth it will all turn out the way I want it to.. but it will turn out the way it is supposed to. And I know and believe that with all of my being. I've seen His hand in my life too many times to think otherwise. I've been nostalgic this week for my experience during "Savior of the World," and once again it hit me with such force that that was a moment where I was exactly where I needed to be. Those people were designed to be put in my path, and I need them in varying degrees for the rest of my life. And I'll be smitten to think they might need me. I know that I was in Nauvoo as a Young Performing Missionary the exact summer I was supposed to, and I was led to that path not by coincidence. I know those 19 other divine beings were given to me as the most gracious gift to ever exist. They've carried me through the past (almost) 2 years, and I owe them so much of who I am today. (i'm literally weeping, it's fine) And I know without a doubt that I found Shelby Rhodes on YouTube because she would replant the seed of applying for the Disney College Program. I don't know why yet. I don't know what exactly is going to happen in Florida. But I do know it's exactly where I want to be, even among all the things I'll be missing out on back at home. Knowing you are on the Lord's path somehow makes the transition a tiny bit easier. (but also lol it's still not easy)

And I know that the Lord will continue to lead my path, always and forever. *Napolean Dynamite music plays* (i'm so sorry omg)

This has been a little bit of a pep talk for myself, but I believe every word. --But also I know there are a lot of words so like omg I'm so sorry but also kudos to you if you've made it this far you da real mvp-- I'm not perfect. I know exactly the things I am doing wrong, and sometimes that isn't enough for me to fix them. I love the scriptures and yet have struggled my whole life fitting it into my routine. I'm struggling a little more now than usual, but I'm determined to get back on track! Keep me on track! I would love to have a scripture motivation buddy, I'll keep you motivated if you'd like as well! Another thing I admit to, I was not a perfect Primary Chorister. I just got released from that special calling today. I got released a little bit earlier than when I absolutely needed to (because, Florida) because I thought it would benefit the kids and the new chorister a lot to jump into their groove together as soon as possible. And because I've got so much happening these last few weeks with work, school, prepping for Disney, going to Disneyland, my show, and trying to squeeze in as much time with friends and family as possible. Also I'm still a visiting teacher and not the greatest one at that, ha. But, these reasons still make me feel a tad bit guilty, and because I didn't love my calling 100% of the time. I am not perfect. But I am grateful the Lord trusted me with His children for a few short months, through all of my imperfections. I do love singing, and that is something I was happy to do every week in primary. And sharing love. They shared way more love for me than I ever imagined or deserved. And I'm going to spend a long time trying to understand why the Lord would give me this calling at this time in my life, in this exact moment. He knows all things, and He knew this calling would be a challenge for me. But he also knew I wasn't going to be in the calling for long, and knew I could do it. And I did. And I am proud of myself for that.

Not proud of myself for not reading my scriptures more though, I can't twist that one around hahaha

Another thing for my non-motivated self: it's okay. It's okay to feel down and it's okay to have a really crappy week and sulk in that for a little bit. But it is not okay to ever forget the Lord or His infinite love for you. And I'm telling that to all of you out there too. Remember the Lord's plan for you in everything, all the stinky lows and all the shiny highs: He is rooting for you. Forever.

What's Bringing Me Joy Right Now:
-American Idol Auditions, holy CRAP people are so talented and interesting and funny. WIG
-Insomniac buddies
-The article I posted on Facebook: 12 Things Introverts Absolutely Need to Be Happy. If you are an introvert, or want to understand an introvert in your life, go read this article!! It explains me to a T, and through my lows this week it really highlighted who I am. I am this weird breed of human that is an introvert that loves to do theatre and be an extrovert around her friends. I don't completely understand it. But I loved seeing me written in this article. I was actually going to talk about all 12 points and how they relate to me, but this post went in a different direction lol
-late night Chile's with friends
-MY BEST FRIEND CELESTE IS HOME FROM HER MISSION
-Spontaneous Wendy's being reborn and catching up with good friends
-Knowing I don't have to be anyone but myself around my close friends and how refreshing that is compared to the me and what I thought in high school
-Disney tsum tsums
-The Japanese online Disney Store.. I'm so extra
-Primary kids giving me hugs
-Etsy and all the Disney word art and Mickey Mouse ears it contains in its realms
-Being in a musical and the insane power that has to boost my mood
-Girl Scout cookies (why are they so good??)
-Friends discovering things I love for the first time
-new lipsense ahhhhhhh
-(unpopular opinion): ALL THE SNOW!!
-Temple time with my mom and dad <3


I love you all, but I know someone who loves you even more. ^^^